Eparistera Daimones: To My Left, The Demons...

my daughter's birthday is coming up the end of this month. she has a list of things she wants but I'm not entirely sure what to get for her. her mom and I have been talking and being a bit more civil to one another (not that we weren't). but we have been talking and communicating more in the past several weeks, from doing family activities to having dinner together.

Its hard to focus really on a whole lot when you see a once loving relationship deteriorate and is on the brink of divorce. But for the most part, we are trying I think. For me, I'd love to have things back the way they used to be.... even if the way they used to be is what got us to this point. But I think I see a future with better communication because of the things we have said to one another. things said in anger, things said in sadness, things not normally said openly as to prevent hurt feelings or arguments.

but then again, everything could just come crashing down just as quickly as these feelings of hope reappeared. in one fell swoop I could lose my home, my family, my daughter. I know I'll be there for her regardless of time, distance and emotions. it's the thought of missing out on the daily interaction, the little things that matter. I told my wife if we decide to do this, I'll be the one leaving because I don't want her out on the street without a home. I'll gladly sleep on the streets or on rooftops again as long as I know she is ok and has shelter.

I never wanted us to get to this point. it just sort of happened. I and probably her were blinded by things. I can only speak for myself in this. I felt some thing's were more important than other things. I'm sure those things are important but... I have since come to realize... nothing is more important than family.

so with that said, in the coming few weeks I'll be trying my hardest to rectify the wrongs I, WE, US, have made. if things don't work out, I know I will have tried and life will just have to go on. for better or worse.

so a few days ago, we spoke about our daughter's upcoming birthday party. We set a facility aside and made reservations for it, sent out invitations, picked a theme, got quotes for the cake(s) and conversed and chose what gift would be most beneficial for our 8 year old to be. (we decided to pitch in for this high priced purchase.)

it looks like things will be ok for a while... but the topics that divorce dredge up such as living arrangements, custody and bills still loom for now. despite the progress "I" feel we're making, I was asked that particular set of questions in a txt just yesterday, but the one difference to that txt was that the question began with "IF we decide on a divorce..." instead of "how are things going to happen..."

so the slight inflection and hint of doubt to the "inevitability" of our divorce brings a sense of happiness to me. I cry tears of both happiness and uncertainty at this moment... hoping things will last or maybe things have gotten too out of hand. who knows.


For those I love I profess to hurt. For those who love me profess to hurt me.
A monument to inability, to inadequacy and to failure. everything once believed in reversed in its implication.

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